Four Island

OH MY GOD THIS ONE ANNOYS ME VERILY. Okay, so, do you have any younger siblings or sapient pets that have a VERY LOOSE GRASP ON THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE? I actually have a couple of those (guess which) and while they are very good as a source of content for my RANDOM ENGLISH RANTs, their vehement denial that their English is incorrect makes me want to take up bulldozing and drop a mastodon on their rooms. Here is their latest English horror that makes me cry:

**Starla**: None of your friends have email?
**Younger Sibling Or Sapient Pet**: All of my friends don't believe in Internet.
*** Starla** starts screaming and shooting
**Starla**: NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS BELIEVE IN INTERNET. NONE NONE DOOMSDAY HAS FALLEN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES- *shot*

While that is a bit exaggerated, my point is sort of clear. While combining "all" and a negative verb like "don't" may actually be grammatically correct as I cannot currently find anything on it, IT SOUNDS QUITE HORRIBLE. JUST SAY NONE. JUST SAY NONE. JUST LIKE YOU WOULD SAY NO TO DRUGS. JUST SAY NONE. IT'S A FEWER NUMBER OF WORDS! ISN'T THAT BETTER OR SOMETHING? JUST SAY NONE. SAY IT NOW.

Here are some practice questions to test your new knowledge. If the sentence is incorrect, correct it, otherwise, write "Correct."

1. All of my friends hate you.
2. None of those potatoes have been washed recently.
3. Coach Z looks fat in that photo.
4. All of those tapes must give us dogs.

Okay, I couldn't bring myself to type THE INCORRECTION, regardless of the fact that I did earlier in that semi-fabricated conversation I had with my younger sibling or sapient pet. Anyway, I hope that by now, I've successfully established myself as a prescriptivist. Thank you for your time.

Okay, these appear to be becoming regular, lol :P. Anyway, today's topic is on ABUSED-AS-A-CHILD COMMAS. No, seriously, I mean COMMAS THAT ARE USED INCORRECTLY OR NOT AT ALL. Some examples:

Notice that when the orb in motion comes in contact with a stationary orb, it reduces the counter on the stationary orb by 1. Once an orb's counter reaches 0 it explodes and is removed from play, and you receive 1 point for doing so. This is the only way to earn points.

Jay Is Games

Read that bolded part out loud. Seriously. Is there no pause after the zero? Replace the number with a word and it'll become clearer. "Once an orb's counter reaches zero it explodes." There should be a pause in there because "Once an orb's counter reaches zero" is like the cause and "it explodes" is the result. "Once an orb's counter reaches zero, it explodes." Aw, how lovely. Here's an example of the opposite:

Every widget is derived from GtkWidget. This means, changes to the properties of GtkWidget will effect all widgets. Furthermore many other widgets have "parent widgets". For example properties of GtkButton will also be applied to GtkCheckButton unless it is explicitly stated otherwise.

Gnome Live!

That pause between "this means" and "changes to the properties of GtkWidget will effect all widgets" is ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY!!!! OH MY GOD! brain explosion I'm very sorry, I'm just VERY easily annoyed by what I consider poor English, which may also be considered perfectly normal English by those who aren't insane. Who? Oh, and by the way, it's "affect", not "effect". Pwned.

HEY KIDS, IT'S ME AGAIN!!!! I'm feeling very English-angsty and I have that urge to throw stuff again, so it's time for another RANDOM ENGLISH RANT! Today's topic is LONELY ADVERBS. THOSE LONELY, MISUNDERSTOOD ADVERBS. (Why do I keep misspelling lonely as lovely? Well, adverbs are quite awesome. So they're LOVELY YET LONELY ADVERBS. We can work that into the script. It's okay, subconscious, I'm on your side.)

Nothing gets my "I THINK I'M GOING TO LAUNCH NUCLEAR WAR ON A FIVE YEAR OLD" up like "I didn't do that good on that quiz." NO, YOU DIDN'T DO "GOOD" ON THAT ENGLISH GRAMMAR QUIZ, JOHNNY. YOU FAILED IT. YOU WILL NOW BE DEPORTED TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

Grammar lesson, kids. An ADVERB is a descriptive word, usually ending in a telltale "ly", that modifies verbs, adjectives or other adverbs. An ADJECTIVE, like "good", is a descriptive word used to modify nouns and pronouns. Now, let's look at that statement above again, shall we?

"I didn't do (verb) that good (adjective) on that quiz." What is modifying what? If you're an idiot, you may say that "good" is modifying "quiz", in which case the sentence would translate to "I didn't do that good quiz." Are you copulating with that quiz or talking to it? No, good tries to modify "do", or more specifically, how you did on that quiz. But adjectives can't modify verbs, can they?

NO THEY CAN'T.

Here comes my best friend, "well". Why? Because Samara Morgan lives there. No, really, because it's an adverb! Adverbs are lovely. (My subconscious is happy.) It's actually rather sad. Adverbs are far more important (in my opinion) than adjectives, yet they're often shifted off to the side when it comes to parts of speech. Adjectives get their names in headlines (FAT MAN FALLS OFF STEEP CLIFF ONTO IMPORTANT BUSINESSMAN) while adverbs have to be content with living in obituaries (Melinda Jones died peacefully in her sleep, though a chainsaw-wielding madman was just about to sneakily sneak into her room and murderously cut her head off.) Adverbs are great. Just embrace them.

Anyway, using adverbs, that sentence turns into "I didn't do that well on that quiz." HORRAY. I AM VERY HAPPY THAT YOU DIDN'T DO WELL ON THAT TEST BECAUSE IT IS FAR BETTER THAN NOT DOING GOOD ON THAT TEST. Seriously, you could use that as a double entendre because "good" can be used as a noun too, sometimes. "Johnny did good on his test? How, did he recycle it or something?" Loffle. (AHH THUNDER)

This is one of my most commonly heard transgressions in the English language. PEOPLE, HOW DIFFICULT IS IT TO ADD AN "LY" TO THE END OF YOUR WORDS? "I ran so fast the other day!" Okay, all of my examples so far have been irregular, but you get the point.

Oh god, I'm going to end up as an English teacher. And some kid is going to come in and complain that he did bad on his Math test and I'll throw a textbook at him. And I may possibly have to go to court for it, but if any of that happens, it'll happen on Four Island, which I am the sovereign leader of and have already created a law that allows abuse on the grounds of incorrect grammar. Except if I accidentally does it. That then does count not at all.

Though I sort of just lost all of my English teacher cred by starting a sentence with a conjunction. Oh well.

Hey, look everybody! It's time for a Random English Rant! This is a segment in which I see something happen OVER AND OVER AGAIN, and then go a bit insane. THERE I GO AGAIN! ... ... ... ... AGAIN!!!!

Anyway, today's topic is on the fact that....

PREFORM. IS NOT. A WORD.

Well, it is, but it doesn't mean what you think.

Preform is commonly used by people who don't know better as a synonym of perform. In fact, it's probably a typo, but the users of said typo often don't know that it's incorrect. Le gaspez! I myself used to be frequently guilty of this horrible transgression. :P

To perform something is to bring something about. To preform something is to, as it sounds like, form something beforehand. I have never, ever, ever, ever, EVER heard the word "preform" used normally in context. :P So, don't use it! I PERFORMED THE ACT OF MURDERING EVERYONE WHO SAYS PREFORM. I PREFORMED A SWORD SO THAT I WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO THE MURDERING WITH WHEN IT CAME TO THAT.

Sound easy? It is. Or it isn't. That really depends on your IQ. :P

Okay, I probably sound really rude now, so I'm going to leave before I get lynched. And remember, kids! Performing a play is good (as long as you get good reviews), but preforming a play (before you can get those silly copyright use approvals) can get you chased down Main Street by a torch-wielding mob! And we all know which one of those is better for the colon, don't we?